not another whining mom blog...

You don't realize how great you have things until you step outside your comfort circle. Being away from my kiddos while in Germany with Clayton made me so appreciative of my life in America. God has blessed me with two little ones that I get to stay home and play with all day! I genuinely look forward to being with my children every day. When you have lost several babies, you quickly learn to appreciate every day with your little ones. I get excited thinking about our future with our babes. Every day is a gift, we are not guaranteed another day with our children.

There are way too many stay at home moms who write blogs about how miserable and hard motherhood is.  Complaining and whining about how people think they don't have a real job and how they have no time to themselves.  Yes, babies and toddlers are a lot of work and its tiring but there are so many happy perks to staying home with them. I wish more people viewed a stay at home Mama as a delight and privilege!

Being a Mama is one of the greatest blessings in the world.  God created women specifically for being Mamas. We are designed to be sympathetic, caring, loving and nurturing.  Its our job to take care of our families and homes. Some day our kids are going to be able to read all that we write about them. I never want my children to feel like a burden to me. I never want them to think I regret being their Mama.

When I think about all the modern conveniences we have its humbling.  For thousands of years women had to hand wash all the clothing for their families, maintain a garden, care for 8+ children, make bread by hand, wash dishes by hand, skin and clean the meat for their supper and many other difficult tasks all while nurturing and loving her family. We have it so easy compared to any other generation but yet we complain.  Think about how much more time we have to love and teach our children because of all the modern conveniences we have. But yet, we fill our schedules with 'stuff' that keeps us away from our families. This 'stuff' stresses us out and makes us feel frazzled and exhausted.  Kids don't need schedules full of practices, playdates, dance, and games. Families need to be together. At the end of our lives, we will wish we could of had more time with our family.

Raising kiddos is a big responsibility. We are going to be held accountable before God with how we raised our children. I personally don't want to look back at my time with my children as being frazzled and stressed out. I want to know I gave my husband and my children my best.  These are some questions I've started asking myself:
When my husband comes home am I giving him my best?
When my family is gathered together am I giving them my best?
Do I fill my days with so many activities that when 6:00 rolls around, I'm at the end of my rope?
Do I do my best to look attractive at 6:00 when my husband walks through the door?
Is my home welcoming to my husband when he comes home or does it look like a tornado went through my home?

Kids are messy creatures. My son can transform our living room into the Island of Sodor in just minutes. I love to lay on the floor and watch his imagination in action. Trains and tracks everywhere. Instead of stepping on Lego's, we trip over train tracks. I love the time I get to spend on the floor playing with Jett and kissing Keira as she crawls and rolls all over. By nap time, toys are everywhere! Jett is learning that when Daddy comes home, we want to make the house look nice for him. I want him to respect his Daddy and make the house he works so hard to pay for look welcoming and not like a train station.

I want to encourage myself and others to not settle for a stressed out and miserable life with kids. If you are stressed out, get rid of the stress. Start your day with God, ask him for wisdom in raising your children and how to plan your day.  Were going to have grumpy days, kids are going to throw tantrums, babies are going to be teething and fussy.  When I stop and take a moment to thank God for my fussy children, thank Him that they are healthy enough to throw fits, it doesn't seem so difficult to handle.  I'm constantly talking with God throughout the day. Asking for wisdom, patience and endurance to be the Mama my kiddos need.  To be a Godly Mama that leads her family closer to God. I don't want my family to ever feel like an inconvenience to me.

Family Announcement!

Way back in the day when Clayton and I were dating, we used to sit and talk about our future family, a family that consisted of biological children as well as adopted children.  We've been married 10.5 years now and over the years have prayed about Gods timing to adding to our family.  After losing so many babies, our desire to adopt has greatly increased.  Our appreciation of the two gorgeous kiddos God has blessed us with has increased as well.  We now feel God leading us to finally begin the adoption process.  I received an email today that said we passed the preliminary application screening!  Now, we will begin working with a Family Coordinator. We feel Gods leading to bring our son home from Ethiopia!!

This is a giant leap of faith for us. We have no idea how God is going to provide the financial means for this but we are confident that if we are following His plans, He will provide every cent we need!   Please pray for us as we begin the adoption journey.

People Watching in Kiel.

I'm sitting at the hotel restaurant in Kiel, Germany and as I eat my beef salad with enormous croutons, I am people watching.

 The exterior of the restaurant is all glass so I have a fabulous view.  Even though I can't understand the language I can tell by their body language and facial expressions what they are doing and what's on their mind.  People are rushing to make appointments, some are in love, others look annoyed as they talk on the phone, anxiousness and boredom are on the faces of others. Many walk around with smiles, Mama's push their little ones all bundled up in strollers and kids run around chasing their friends.  One thing that jumped out at me while people watching is that people in Germany need Jesus. Unfortunately, there are no LifeChurch campuses over here.  We have not passed many churches during our drives around town.  I've worn my youversion shirt and pray that everyone who saw my shirt will check our online Bible out and find Jesus.

 I have never seen so many bikes in my life.  So many people bike or walk to their destination. The bread and desserts have been amazing.  Every morning I get a croissant and try to eat an apple strudel at least once a day.  Ive made apple strudel once before but never had anything to compare it to.  Now, I know what it should taste like and will be perfecting my apple strudel skills once I get home. Right now, I am eating the strudel in the picture.

Clayton has been working 15-20 hr days since we've been here. I've tagged along 2 of the days and that was fun meeting new people and watching Clayton work.  He is brilliant. I don't know how he does what he does and I don't understand half of what he does.  He is a wireless guru to say the least. The days I havent gone to work with him I've spent sleeping and reading.  I miss our little ones dearly but have greatly enjoyed my time here.  I've been all over our hotel reading.  Were at the Atlantic Hotel and its gorgeous! The staff are very friendly and helpful.  The bonus is that most of the staff speak English so I don't have to draw or point to the things I want.  I've wandered around the town a little while Clayton has been working.  The leaves are turning here and it's so beautiful.  The down side is my GPS doesn't work unless I have wifi so I can't wander to far away. Getting lost in a different country alone is definitely not on my bucket list.

I've been so blessed that I got to make this trip with Clayton and that my parents were so willing to take care of my kiddos so I could come. I've been spending a lot of quiet time with God here. Its been so wonderful getting my batteries recharged, reflecting on my life and praying for future goals.

Pain vs. Breastmilk

As most everyone knows, I've been struggling with my left foot for over 7 years now. 8 surgeries later and I'm still having chronic nerve pain that is not at a livable level. What that means is, I'm not able to function through out the day with out severe pain dictating what I can do. I can't go shopping whenever I please, I can't take my kiddos to the zoo or anywhere that requires walking without planning and medication. Any rain/snow in the forecast means those days are going to be miserable with pain. The weather plays a huge role on my pain level and keeps me home.

Met with my Dr this past week and we (myself, husband and Dr) all agreed that it was time to try something new. I'm tired to being stuck on the couch while my little ones play and me not wanting to move my foot at all.  This new medication would require me to stop breastfeeding Keira.  The medication is 'unknown' as to how it would affect an infant so after referring to 3 Physicians, we all agreed that I would have to 'pump and dump' since I still want the benefit of losing weight! Because of my nerve pain, I am extremely limited in what I can do to exercise. Swimming is about all I can do and if I choose to swim for 10 minutes, I'll be in severe pain the rest of the day.

Breastfeeding is not easy. Its hard and its such a commitment.  The first 6 weeks are very difficult and painful. In my first four months of breastfeeding Keira I've had, 4 separate cases of mastitis, I had to stop eating dairy, open sores and I had foot surgery #8 when she was 6 weeks old and that meant I had to 'pump and dump' for 2 weeks because of the pain meds.

I breastfed my son Jett til he was 4 months but I was never able to make enough to satisfy him so we had to supplement with soy formula. Breastfeeding Keira has been so different. She loves to eat and we always had to fight Jett to eat, even as an infant. God has blessed me with the ability to feed Keira what she needed and still pump out an entire meal for her. Needless to say, we have quite a bit stored up in the freezer.

Now that I've started the new nerve medicine I've been pumping significantly more than what I did before starting the medicine.  I believe that now my body is able to relax and not be in such constant pain that its causing me to be able to make almost double what I was before I started this medicine. Its crazy! I HATE dumping what I pump down the sink. It makes my stomach hurt to watch- I know that sounds ridiculous but it does. I'm sure the more I do it the easier it will be.  I honestly loved being able to feed Keira. I loved knowing that 'I' was taking care of her. I was giving her what she needed.  Because I was making so much milk, I always pumped and then fed her through a bottle because she could never get all the milk out when I latched her on and I was tired of getting mastitis. So, pumping 100% works for us.  Daddy and all the rest of the family love being able to feed her!

Rather than feed her all the frozen breast milk right away we decided to give her 2 meals of breast milk a day and the rest of her meals with soy formula.There is enough in the freezer to continue that plan for a month or two. Keira has started eating baby food during the day and she gets cereal at night with applesauce.  Shes so healthy and growing perfect! Her little thighs are so squishy!

I've really been struggling with the feelings of selfishness for deciding to take the nerve medicine rather than continue to breastfeed. I worry that the formula were giving her is going to be part of some recall in the future and we've been feeding her tainted food, what if she gets constipated and screams when she has to poop, its going to stain her clothes... I know that these issues may be laughable to some but to me its not funny, its real.

I know I have to take care of me first or I won't be able to give Clayton and my kiddos my best.  After 7 years, I'm exhausted from the pain and really just want to be at a 'livable' pain level. I'll never be pain free but with this new medicine, it will be at a tolerable level.  All these thoughts over the last few days has really made me realize how much pressure society puts on moms to breastfeed.  Yes, we all know breast milk is great and some even refer to it as 'liquid gold' but not everyone is able to breastfeed.  Who cares whether a mom feeds her baby breast milk or formula- how would this decision impact your life? It wouldn't, so why meddle in someone else's business? The first question you ask a new mom shouldn't be 'are you breastfeeding?' Just saying...

It's so easy to get caught up in all the 'new studies' that prove that breast milk is a miracle drug that so many friends graciously post all over social media. It is so easy to feel like a failure as a mom because your friend is breastfeeding and you can't or chose not to. You are going to bond with your child no matter what you feed them. Period. I don't remember what my Mom fed me as a baby and all that really truly matters is that my Mom fed me, gave me what I needed and I love her regardless of my meal plan as a baby.   200 years ago your baby would have died if your body couldn't make the milk to feed your baby- were so blessed to have so many options when it comes to feeding babies!

I've been dumping my breastfeeding woes on my friend Sarah for a couple days now and she has reminded me that all that truly mattes is that my baby girl is being fed, she has a Mama that loves her and I have to take care of ME in order to care for my family.

I need to daily remind myself that God is in control, not my breast milk.   Phew, I feel better now.

'I'm running to your arms'

Forever Reign 
by Hilsong

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy 
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, 
In You death has lost it's sting

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I’m running to your arms
I’m running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing 
NO OTHER name
Jesus, Jesus

We sang this song at church last year, just days after my first miscarriage and I remember standing there, trying to sing these words but it was impossible because I was in so much grief and couldn't stop the tears. When we got to the chorus, "Oh, I'm running to your arms  I'm running to your arms, the riches of your love will always be enough, nothing compares to your embrace" I remember just closing my eyes and could feel Gods presence in the midst of such sorrow and sadness. Standing there I told God, I don't know how to count this trial as a joy but please help me to! There are no words to describe the peace that can only come from God. 

Fast forward a year...

Last night at church we dedicated our miracle baby Keira back to God.  Even before she was born, I told God that she belonged to Him, not me. I want her time on Earth to be spent serving God however God wants.  Today was a public display before our church family that we are committed to raising her according to Gods standards. Our dear friends Chesed and Patrick were there to pray with us as we dedicated Keira.  Chesed was such an amazing friend to me during all the miscarriages. She would send me texts, scripture and just listen. The power of a listening friend!! It was so special to have her there with us. 

After her dedication one of the songs we sang was the one that brought me to tears every time I heard it after the miscarriages. This song will always be a reminder of Gods love and the peace that can only come from Him. In HIM, death has lost its sting. Only in His presence am I made whole.  We all have a void in our life. A void that only God can fill. Some can easily acknowledge that void. Others try to fill that void with 'stuff' that just doesn't satisfy.  No spouse or child can fill that void.

Even before God surprised us with Keira I knew that HE was enough. No baby could fill me or complete me, only God could do that. My life is not defined by my children. God will always be enough. The only thing I know is that even if God did not bless us with another child, I am complete in Him. Nothing on this planet will ever satisfy or come remotely close to the peace that comes from God. 

Pastor Ryan Motsinger, who is one of our friends, prayed over Keira during the dedication service. It was such a special night!

LadyBear

LadyBear is due in 8 days!  Rewind 11 months ago and I never would have imagined I would be blessed to go through another pregnancy/delivery.

Not many people knew about the 3 babies we lost in a 7 month period or the devastating news we received from our fertility Doctor about not being able to have more biological children.

Weeks after our horrible news from the fertility Dr was when we found out I was 4 weeks pregnant with LadyBear.  I immediately called the fertility Dr and they did blood work.  They called me to their office to go over the lab results. The entire way there I was praying that whatever this pregnancy held that God would help me be at peace and trust Him with the results.  As soon as I got there I was told that we had already lost our baby.  It was the most supernatural peaceful feeling ever as I left the fertility Dr's office.  I was at complete peace with what God's plan was for us regardless if He blessed us with another baby.  Obviously I was very disappointed but I KNEW God had a plan and His plan was 100% better than anything I could come up with.

Hours after learning we had already lost LadyBear, I received a phone call from the fertility Dr saying he had some news but I was not allowed to ask any questions. I agreed and he then told me he was wrong and the baby (LadyBear) was not lost! He had no medical definition as to how this had happened and that's why I wasn't allowed to ask any questions. He had repeated the lab work and it showed my levels were more than doubling!  That is how our pregnancy with LadyBear started.  Every week for many weeks we had to go to follow-up appointments and each time, she had to have met his guidelines of progress or we would have to stop the hormone therapy he had put me on. Each week she more than exceeded his guidelines! God was truly at work in her little body already.

The closer I get to her due date the more emotional I feel about the three babies we lost.  We missed out on their due dates, bringing them home from the hospital, first smiles, first words, their first steps and so much more.  So many missed happy memories with those three little ones but, that wasn't Gods plan for us.  LadyBear is. Regardless of what the future holds, I know God is and always will be in control.  Just because bad things happen doesn't mean God doesn't love us or wants to hurt us.  We many never know why we had to go through that heartache but I know that God doesn't do anything without a purpose or a plan.

For the last 9 months I have dreamed about the day she is born so we finally get to see her and then to have my Dr put her in our arms!  I am so looking forward to kissing her cheeks and toes, smelling the newborn smell and watching her make funny faces in her sleep.  I am so appreciative that we get to do this again and not a second with her will be taken for granted.

There have been so many, many, many prayers prayed for this little one by us, family, our LifeGroup and our friends!

Valentines Day.

Valentines Day... I've never been a huge fan of Valentines Day. I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade but I just hate the idea of men feeling obligated to buy gifts or flowers that are just going to be thrown away.

I hate going out to eat on Valentines Day. The restaurants are always packed full of people and the waitstaff are trying to hurry in and out as many customers as possible. I hate to feel rushed like that. I would much rather buy some really nice cut of meat so I can cook dinner at home and then have Clayton get a dessert from the Cheesecake Factory. I despise cheesecake BUT, The Cheesecake Factory holds my heart captive to the best chocolate dessert in the world- Linda's Fudge Cake. This is no ordinary chocolate cake! Its seven layers of chocolate cake and chocolate fudge frosting topped off with chocolate shavings. It usually takes Clayton and I two days to finish one slice. Now that Jett has inherited my sweet tooth, I'm sure Linda's Fudge Cake wouldn't last more than a day in my house.
Anyways...
Monday nights are my Bible Study nights. I leave at 6 and don't get home until around 8:30.  We don't eat dinner until after I get home. Clayton doesn't usually get home from work until 6 so Monday nights he usually walks in the door just as I'm leaving. Last night on his way home from work Clayton stopped at Sonic and grabbed me a diet coke and some tater tots.  He handed me the Sonic treasures and said he thought I would  be hungry on my way to my Bible study.  I was tickled pink!! Even though it was something so small as tots and a pop, to me it was so much more.  Its little things like that make me feel loved and appreciated ALL year long. Clayton is so good about surprising me with things all year long and doing such sweet things for me. I absolutely love finding love notes from Clayton all over the house ALL the time! I would much rather have sweetness and surprises all year long than get flowers and candy on Valentines Day. I know I'm very blessed to have a husband like Clayton. I'm constantly reminded how few husbands truly go out of their way to treat their spouse as the love of their life like mine does.

This morning I woke up to the best gift ever! It was a little blonde 1 1/2 year old! He was smiling and jabbering away when I went into his room to get him. Oh, did I mention he slept in until 9? That was a fabulous surprise! We made pink heart shaped pancakes for breakfast and both Jett and Tucker were thrilled. Both of my little loves got pancakes for breakfast.

I truly and sincerely mean this: there is NO Valentines Day gift that will ever compare to being made to feel special and loved all year long by Clayton and Jett.