As most everyone knows, I've been struggling with my left foot for over 7 years now. 8 surgeries later and I'm still having chronic nerve pain that is not at a livable level. What that means is, I'm not able to function through out the day with out severe pain dictating what I can do. I can't go shopping whenever I please, I can't take my kiddos to the zoo or anywhere that requires walking without planning and medication. Any rain/snow in the forecast means those days are going to be miserable with pain. The weather plays a huge role on my pain level and keeps me home.
Met with my Dr this past week and we (myself, husband and Dr) all agreed that it was time to try something new. I'm tired to being stuck on the couch while my little ones play and me not wanting to move my foot at all. This new medication would require me to stop breastfeeding Keira. The medication is 'unknown' as to how it would affect an infant so after referring to 3 Physicians, we all agreed that I would have to 'pump and dump' since I still want the benefit of losing weight! Because of my nerve pain, I am extremely limited in what I can do to exercise. Swimming is about all I can do and if I choose to swim for 10 minutes, I'll be in severe pain the rest of the day.
Breastfeeding is not easy. Its hard and its such a commitment. The first 6 weeks are very difficult and painful. In my first four months of breastfeeding Keira I've had, 4 separate cases of mastitis, I had to stop eating dairy, open sores and I had foot surgery #8 when she was 6 weeks old and that meant I had to 'pump and dump' for 2 weeks because of the pain meds.
I breastfed my son Jett til he was 4 months but I was never able to make enough to satisfy him so we had to supplement with soy formula. Breastfeeding Keira has been so different. She loves to eat and we always had to fight Jett to eat, even as an infant. God has blessed me with the ability to feed Keira what she needed and still pump out an entire meal for her. Needless to say, we have quite a bit stored up in the freezer.
Now that I've started the new nerve medicine I've been pumping significantly more than what I did before starting the medicine. I believe that now my body is able to relax and not be in such constant pain that its causing me to be able to make almost double what I was before I started this medicine. Its crazy! I HATE dumping what I pump down the sink. It makes my stomach hurt to watch- I know that sounds ridiculous but it does. I'm sure the more I do it the easier it will be. I honestly loved being able to feed Keira. I loved knowing that 'I' was taking care of her. I was giving her what she needed. Because I was making so much milk, I always pumped and then fed her through a bottle because she could never get all the milk out when I latched her on and I was tired of getting mastitis. So, pumping 100% works for us. Daddy and all the rest of the family love being able to feed her!
Rather than feed her all the frozen breast milk right away we decided to give her 2 meals of breast milk a day and the rest of her meals with soy formula.There is enough in the freezer to continue that plan for a month or two. Keira has started eating baby food during the day and she gets cereal at night with applesauce. Shes so healthy and growing perfect! Her little thighs are so squishy!
I've really been struggling with the feelings of selfishness for deciding to take the nerve medicine rather than continue to breastfeed. I worry that the formula were giving her is going to be part of some recall in the future and we've been feeding her tainted food, what if she gets constipated and screams when she has to poop, its going to stain her clothes... I know that these issues may be laughable to some but to me its not funny, its real.
I know I have to take care of me first or I won't be able to give Clayton and my kiddos my best. After 7 years, I'm exhausted from the pain and really just want to be at a 'livable' pain level. I'll never be pain free but with this new medicine, it will be at a tolerable level. All these thoughts over the last few days has really made me realize how much pressure society puts on moms to breastfeed. Yes, we all know breast milk is great and some even refer to it as 'liquid gold' but not everyone is able to breastfeed. Who cares whether a mom feeds her baby breast milk or formula- how would this decision impact your life? It wouldn't, so why meddle in someone else's business? The first question you ask a new mom shouldn't be 'are you breastfeeding?' Just saying...
It's so easy to get caught up in all the 'new studies' that prove that breast milk is a miracle drug that so many friends graciously post all over social media. It is so easy to feel like a failure as a mom because your friend is breastfeeding and you can't or chose not to. You are going to bond with your child no matter what you feed them. Period. I don't remember what my Mom fed me as a baby and all that really truly matters is that my Mom fed me, gave me what I needed and I love her regardless of my meal plan as a baby. 200 years ago your baby would have died if your body couldn't make the milk to feed your baby- were so blessed to have so many options when it comes to feeding babies!
I've been dumping my breastfeeding woes on my friend Sarah for a couple days now and she has reminded me that all that truly mattes is that my baby girl is being fed, she has a Mama that loves her and I have to take care of ME in order to care for my family.
I need to daily remind myself that God is in control, not my breast milk. Phew, I feel better now.
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